awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I need to update my racial profile.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
weddings should have a worst man