awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.