Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

*me flirting

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.