Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!