Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harsh but fair

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.