Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?