Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
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i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.