[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome

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[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy


When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.


ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.


My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.


Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.


Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.


I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president


me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time


LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.