°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.
Him: *breaks down crying
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.