Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

@pdxjohnny99

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@EliBraden

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

@attheUC

If there’s more than one apocalypse, is it apocalypses or apocali?

I just want to be ready.

@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

@ThingsJackDigs

How to get laid:

Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That’s literally it

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@Kyle_Lippert

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.