@eeethanford

[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

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@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

@chris_isloi

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

@nvd197

My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

@abhorrent_wife

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

@SteveKoehler22

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@UncleDuke1969

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.