I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Interior design 👌
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby