@CornOnTheGoblin °waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
@eeethanford [awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
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@CornOnTheGoblin 
@sixthformpoet A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
@noogscorner Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?
Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.
Alien 1: I ate my mother.
Alien 2: As did I.
@McNevich Facebook game requests are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet
@ZingingCutie If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
@meganamram Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
@JaneBadall My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.
@Carbosly [in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
@Reverend_Scott [kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
@shannonjrox One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.