Awesome parenting 😂
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.