Awesome parenting 😂
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
wow
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough