Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

when u come home smelling like another dog

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey