Awesome parenting 😂
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
sure, why not
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
pat pat
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.