awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
every man in east london
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.