awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!