sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.