Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once