awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The internet is full of many things
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
☠️☠️☠️
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.