awkward
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
m’lady
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me