[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”