@CornOnTheGoblin

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

- @CornOnTheGoblin

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@batsly

I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.

@bartandsoul

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

@heatherlou_

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@thatstings

Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger

@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

@allycondie

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

@ojedge

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

@JohnBirmingham

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

@hell_homer

deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio