[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”