[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
When news reporters do sports stories
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.