[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: