“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
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got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
No, he would not have.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’