“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
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Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded