Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”