Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!