[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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The median voter
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Facebook memories be like
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
smartest karate player in the world
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.