[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
being a writer on Twitter:
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Most Common Source of Electricity
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Is….Is this an option?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?