Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

look scared

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

we’re dead?

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident