Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?