Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.