Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

This a good idea

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend