Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
You Might Also Like
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”