Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.