Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some cats are just doing for fun!

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”