Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

😂😂

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Oh we’ve met.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.