“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
this isn’t threatening at all
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
same bro
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing