Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

the three genders

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.