Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”