Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.