@thetigersez

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

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@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@UnFitz

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

@notalogin

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

@CrockettForReal

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

@Rayne__Man

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

@Wordesse

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

@AmandaRNH

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.