Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

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I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.


Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.


My wife: “What are you doing?”

“Having an argument on Twitter”

“With a man or woman?”

“A lamp.”


If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…


Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.


On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.


Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone


Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that


Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.



Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.