Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
You Might Also Like
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
not seeing the problem
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.