Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
see next tweet for some translations
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Sorry. Not sorry
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.