Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.