Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Overindulged this afternoon.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom