Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Finished stitching this today 😇

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Rooting for the overdog

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.