Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.