Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone