Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Yep.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Children of the Corn Man
dogs can find happiness so easily
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
