@E_Ville13

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

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@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

@Cpin42

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

@BoogTweets

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

@juliussharpe

Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@GreenishDuck

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

@desiswaaag

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

@PabloGSerski

I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed

@JediGigi

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.