@E_Ville13
@RodLacroix
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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@RodLacroix
@TheTweetOfGod
Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.
@Cpin42
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
@BoogTweets
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
@juliussharpe
Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
@GreenishDuck
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
@desiswaaag
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
@PabloGSerski
I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.
@Mr_Kapowski
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?
Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed
@JediGigi
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.