Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza