Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.