Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!