Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.