Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight