Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke