Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

🫶

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’