Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

I have many caverns

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Solving a traffic jam

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape