Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?