Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

Passed by a old school Math example today.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

This kinda thing happens to me often

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Not helping

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?