AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
You Might Also Like
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.