AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
