Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”