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“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.