AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
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There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.