Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Does beer think about me too?

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.