Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes