Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
