Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.


I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.


I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.


Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter


M: Nah he can’t read


Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.


At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?


You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?

-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher


How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away