@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

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@TheMichaelRock

*puts on shirt*

*shirt rips because of my muscles*

*gets yelled at for ruining 5yo’s shirt*

@N_Doemostmuted

I put on Sade and she said ” who is that ? ” so me being the gentleman that I am I explained it to her while dropping her off at the bus stop

@trevso_electric

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

@HousewifeOfHell

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@dubiousgenius

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@envydatropic

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@HansGrubertron

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam