@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

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@dumbbeezie

That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts

@ravenswng_

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

@JaneyGodley

when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@DrakeGatsby

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

@celticrose2312

I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.

@psybermonkey

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls