@farouq_yahaya

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

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@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@VeryGrumpyCat

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@FU_TangClan

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

@envydatropic

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

@Darlainky

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

@jergarl

You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?

-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher

@dafloydsta

How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away