Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You Might Also Like
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?
-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher
How to annoy your children:
Me: Don’t come in here without knocking
M: Who is it?
C: It’s me!
M: Go away