“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas