“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Raisins are grape jerky.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit