“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say