Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

ㅤㅤ

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?